<33Mandas Journal<33

Lately I feel empty inside..I feel as if I have nothing to offer anymore...Maybe it's time that I take on a new path...try something new...Maybe everything that' I've wanted, isn't for me? I have good grades, I got my chance in being a Muisc Minister(Almost) But I feel as if I need something more. I just wish I had someone to turn to when I'm feeling down...I know I have great friends who love me and care about me but somtimes that isn't enough. I'm not gonna come out and say it becasue I don't want to sound desperate or anything and I know I'm not...but I feel alone sometimes. I have been crying alot lately and I don't know why or understand why I am....especially at night when I'm all alone in my room. I'll play my piano for hours and just start to cry...and I wasn't meaning too..It just comes out...I can't help it. I feel like something is missing from my life...and God's gonna do something but I'm not sure what it is...I don't want to feel this way anymore.....It's kinda like that song from mercy me. So Long Self...Awesome song.....it talks about getting rid of the person who you used to be and letting God take control of your life. Maybe that's what I need to do. I always think about what I want, what's going to make me happy and how everything is going to work out for me and what benefits can I be receiving. I always look at everyone else and think how lucky that person is and wish I had what they had but in reality. I do have everything, but still something feels like it's missing. I don't know why. Hopefully, I'll find it out soon. Hopefully, I really want to find out what is going to happen. I feel like God wants me to go out and do more. I always feel like he's nudging me...telling me go and do this and I never do. I chicken out...and get scared becasue no one is with me doing it...like a friend....I know God is there but I feel alone....I shouldn't feel alone..I don't want too but I do... .Honestly, I ran out of things along time ago to say....sometimes I feel like quitting church and being a Christian all together....and I know that's exactly what Satan want's. Is for me to give in...and never reach other people...and sometimes I feel like giving in...I don't know what to do anymroe...God plz help me...I'm crying out in desperation for your advice....I want to overcome my fears of being alone....losing everythign that I've worked for...I can't do it alone...in this race for the prize...I want it...and I need help

Today we had mid terms..I wrote out all my essay questions and everything and then went to turn them in and noticed the exam books...sitting on the desk which people were given and I didn't get one so I asked my instructor if it was ok that I filled it out on paper since I came in kind of late and he said that was ok..I hope I passed it...Sociology is kind of interesting in a way.... So, Today after class I was driving by Blockbuster because I take emmons to get home since it's alot quicker then moran and i was like I wonder if Steven is working...and I looked to see if he was and he wasn't and I was stopped at a red light and here he comes driving he like stopped looked at me for a second then went on his way :) I was like awwww..hes' a cutie....I like him....ok there. I said it...Lol...anyways....Life is one confusing pit hole for me right now...so many things bothering me there all bottled up inside and one day I'm going to explode..well I did in church...I walked right off the platform because when we were praticing I got so frusterated with everyone up there that it doesn't matter what I say I know how the music is played but no one wants to listen to a 19 year old...just becasue I'm the youngest one up their doesn't mean that I don'tknow what Im doing...so I went in the hallway and cried for about 20 minutes and someone said pastor waited untill I got back to start the service but that wasn't true becasue it was still five till seven...and I was so angry at everyone I almost quit...but God wouldn't let me lol...cuz I know it's my calling on my life..... I've heard it so many times from people that that's what I'm supposed to be doing...and I will succeed....Lol freds fired lol I tell him that all the time and sometimes he gets mad and goes you jknow what I'm just going to hand it to you and watch you fail miserable and I was like not true beacause then you would be failing miserably becasue you handed song service over to a 19 year old lol how great would that be...AWESOME...ok well I'm done mty head hurts and I have to work tomorrow and I'm going to go watch pride and prejeduice since I love mr darsey...Lols ok bye

Hey guys I'm back at live journal and xanga... since I have no myspace on my comptuer....but ok whatever right.... I love God...omgosh...I heard this song at this one church called hear us from heaven and it's awesome were gonna learn it for churhc On sudnay and i start piano lessons on Wednesday again just to learn a little bit more and my dad was having trouble learning that song and I picked it up in ten minutes lols it was kinda funny but anways...I have to get off of here so I'll update later call me or someething! k bye

it's been 19734928743897589352730574039 years since I've updated this thing...and I completly forgot about it until now...becasue no one ever comments on it lol...but yeah things have been great...I'm satisified with my life right now ....and I haven't been this happy in a long time...and it feels great...knowing that God is always watching over me and has his hand on my life....for real! lol ok well that's all for now ...so I'll update later

Some are short, some are tall, some are thin, some are educated, some are old, some are young, some are talented, some are hard workers and some are lazy, but as a whole, that’s what makes up a family.
In my immediate family there are many different personalities. I have two sisters who are complete opposites from each other. One is more athletic and the other is more into singing and music.
My sister Erika for instance, is very smart. She’s easy going and gets along with almost anyone. She’s very confident with the way she looks and has a good personality. She can also be very helpful and gets things done around the house. She’s very neat and likes to keep things well organized.
On the other hand, my sister Kayla is more athletic. She loves sports and she is always on the go. She’s the type of kid who is very independent and loves going places. Another thing you can say about her is that she is very strong minded and likes to say what she thinks. She doesn’t care what other people think about her and just does her own thing.
My mom has one of the nicest personalities. She’s always giving and helping others. She’s very independent and likes to get things done. When she says she’s going to do something, you know she’ll do it. She’s one of those people who says what they mean and sticks to it.
My dad on the other hand, is a little stricter. He’s not a procrastinator. He’s the type of person who goes by your actions and not what you say. He is one of those dad’s who is tough on his kids when it comes to school because he wants us to get a good education but, he has a good personality and likes to joke around a lot but, sometimes people can take it the wrong way.
The last person in my family that I am going to describe is, well, me. I’m the type of person who likes to be around people and have fun. My family and friends tell me that I am very trustworthy and that I have a good personality. They have also told me that I can be a little bit sensitive sometimes. Other then that, my friends and family say that I have the best of personalities and am very easy to get along with.
Every one in your family isn’t the same and that’s one quality that makes all of us unique.

goodness i forgot about this journal lol maybe it's because I've been so busy with other stuff....gosh....anyway acquire the fire is coming up and I'm excited! Lol I get to go! hehe ...anyway work has been good I hate doing drive thru though...sometimes it gets so busy like non stop cars keep coming. It gets so frusterating lol....but anyway school has been crazy...but besides that....I have nothing else to say lol

Hmm I'm in computer class right now...I should be working but I'm done...Lol so yeah I'm stuck here for an hour with nothing to do since I did chapter three and now I have nothing else to do...So, yesterday was pretty boaring I might say. I didn't do anything but during my Humanaties class on Monday I woke up with a Sinus headache...and I felt like crap all day and impluse the next day I had to be at work by 10 ugh...Which I was crabby and didn't want to talk to anyone so I kinda kept to myself until after my break and I felt alot better.

Yesterday I was praticing my piano for the song Cover the Earth and there's this one part on the chours where it goes Cover the Earth with the sound of heaven and then it does a little instrumental part and I couldn't get the timing right and then last night I didn't know my dad was standing by the stairs cuz I was using his piano, and I finally did it! I was like yes! lol thanks to the metranome(sop?) I finally got the timing right and now I'm working on another song called He lives and there's so many flat notes in it but it's really easy ...

So, that was my day for yesterday and I'm bored so I probably should start more work....ya think?

Well...Today I finally started writing my paper that's due on Monday for English..I'm not very good at speaking infront of people let alone talking to people I don't know....I'm afraid i'm going to get nervous and not be able to do it...oh well,I'll get threw it...Maybe? Anyways, My friends are soo cool! Especially the ones at work! No reason lol well they no the reason and so does Sasha! haha. Lol. Me and some of my friends from work are going to see When A Stranger Calls when it comes out! I can't wait lol. and I can't wait until we go to Florida for two weeks! It's going to be so much fun! anyway Valentines Day is coming up! and ummmm yeah lol no comment their. I'll just have to wait and see what happens if anything happens but hopefully my friend helps me make it happen! That would make me happy...If only you guys knew what I was talking about right? Lol hehe but yeah I have to call Meon and figure out what the heck is going on...Anyway..Sasha stayed the night on Thursday night! That was fun whenever she comes over we have fun! Lol she's just like part of the family! She just does whatever! It's sooo funny lol...Then Seth came to pick her up and Sasha and I were in the basement and we didn't hear him knocking at the front door and the neighbor asked him if he needed anything lol! I felt so bad because he finally came to the back door after knocking at the front for a half hour lol and we didn't even know he was their! lol and I hope he can fix my digital camera because my web cam is crap! and if he can't...oh well.....I'll have to take it to get it fixed. But where? hmmmm who knows
well that's all for now

So...how was my weekend? It was pretty fun...I went and stayed over Sashas house on Friday night and then we went and got some Pizza Hut and then tried to go Cosmic Bowling but there was a 2 hour wait and they asked us if we wanted to be on the waiting list lol haha...After that we decided to go to the movies and we saw Last Holiday which was good. Then we went back to her house and watched The Perfect Man and ate more Pizza. After, we went to sleep and then in the morning we went and got Lunch and then Seth picked us up and took us to my house and hung out their for a while....but we kinda got lost and it got frusterating and everyone ended up in a bad mood lol...then we finally got to my house and I finally got to put in my contacts since my other ones were old and finally gave in lol so I had my ugly glasses that I had to wear all weekend long ugh...After that we went to go pick up my cousin Brianne and then we went to Red Robin to get some dinner. Then everyone went home and it was boaring after that lol...Well, not really because Brianne stayed the night so and we watched Red Eye which wasn't as scarey as I thought it would be it just had alot of suspense in it...so that was my weekend.....

So today was a really really really really really really good day! :) I woke up at about 9:30 and watched tv for about a half hour...then I went on the computer and figured out how to use our new web cam which I'm still having trouble with....Then I excersized...which I have been dieting, more like eating better, and then I cleaned my house....most of it! Lol....then my dad stopped by to change his gutiar strings for his band practiced and we talked..then my mom came home and we went to pick up my check which was like 239 dollars! :) then I seen my friend Onita from work and I told her that I liked this one guy at work and thought he was cute...but I've only worked with him like twice...and she told me that she started talking to him and he told her he liked me...and she said he wanted to say something to me when we were working together but he was to shy....:) I was happy cuz I really like him....but I don't know....Lol...but I have work tomorrow and the bad thing is, is he works nights and I work during the day...which stinks...LoL...but anyways...that's all....

it's late and I cant sleep...I have alot of things on my mind right now....and I feel like blah...ugh...Why can't I just get over my fear of being rejected? I worrie to much...I don't know why either...I just do...It's not one thing...It's a whole bunch of things...It's hard for me to describe the way I feel..It's all building up inside and i just want to be real....Sometimes I think that no one cares...when it's really me who is thinking all these things..I guess I need advice good advice but I feel like im slipping away....more and more....no one knows...like sometimes i feel like I don't want to bne a Christian any more....like at work how people make fun of my belief in God and sometimes I just want to give it up...But I know I'm not because I have faith...well sometimes I do...like right now I'm not sure...but I do know God is real....and I know i'm saved....but i'm doubting right now! I don't want to doubt! Maybe it's hanging around people who arn't saved? They need to know about God...I try telling them but they just laugh..and say churches are corrupt and all they want is your money...I don't know....blah...blah..blah....I need to get away from everything and just be by myself....


There is a God who loves me
and wraps me in His arms
and that's the place where im changed
and that's where I belong


Take me to that place Lord
To that secret place where
I can be with You
You can make me like You
Wrap me in Your arms
Wrap me in Your arms
Wrap me in Your armss

So rumor has it there's no church tonight! :( That's sad! Lol...but anyways...today is pretty boaring I might say...I shouveled the sidewalk and the driveway talk about alot of work. Then I played my piano for an hour or so....Maybe more...and now I'm doing absalutly nothing beacuase I don't have work and I'm done with school for a month....so yeah I'm not sure if i'll be able to go to the WCA'S Christmas Play becuase my parents might not let me drive out there and stay late for Cosmic Bowling...ugh my plans have just been ruined for this weekend...and Erika is going to Fraenken Mouth (sp?) I spelt that wrong lol...but anyway, I have a stupid meeting at work on Saturday morning at like 8 am for an hour...Me and my friend want to go and find different jobs because were sick of working there....Gosh I hate it! lol...but other then that life is good...I think lol

So today we finally got our papers back for American Government and I passed both of them! I was shocked lol...Some girl coppied off my scrap book! How lame! I mean come on now...you're in college and you should be able to do your own thing and not copy off of someone elses....I mean that's kinda childish because you're letting everyone know that you don't know how to do things by yourself....I mean she even got the same scrapbook as me! and it was the same color! Green! ugh...and It was set up just like mine but luckly I turned mine in first and got an A- on it which wasn't to bad.....I could of done better then that I was hoping for an A+ grrr...Stupid people!Hahahah...anyways...I also got my reasearch paper back! Heck yes I got an B+ on it I was suprised to know that lol.... but other then that everything else is going good...I'm kinda wondering if I'm passing my Amercian Government class....I think I am...I know I'm passing my English class with a B...or something like that.....

So i'm bored...and I'm still sitting here in school waiting for my second hour.....I'm not used to this whole first hour and second hour thing lol i'm so used to being in one room where everyone knows eatchother and it's like oh darn we can sleep all day and no one will ever know unless you snore! lol that was great! haha...

Like when I would come back from Votech I would always take a half hour nap before lunch and start my work after haha.....but anyways that's all for now

so yeah I went and got my schedule from work last night with Erika and I only work on Saturday! ugh...but Yeah Friday night I'm going to the school Christmas play and seeing all my friends! yes! and then me, Ashley Webb, Tanya poo lol yay, Sasha and Seth are going Cosmic Bowling afterwords. Then I have to wake up for a stupid meeting for work at lik e9 in the morning and it lasts for a whole gosh darn hour! It could be worse! At least I don't have to wear my uniform! yes lol but yeah and then I have to come home change into my uniform and be at work by 11:55 why 11:55? and why not just 12 noon? They give me strange times! Lol...haha well other then that nothing is new....besides the fact I have nothing to do and tomorrow is my last day of school until Janurary! yay! Lol.....hmmm Whose all going to the Christmas Play? It's free....i'm so used to being in them it's kinda weird that I'm not every year I would play the piano! arrrffff....lol oh well Laura Enersen gave my dad a ticket for me so I didn't have to ask for one! lol haha well that's it for now!! Bye bye

I might say last night was fun! lol...goodness...talk about a crazy night...

First me and sahsa were going to go to the movies to go see Just friends and the theaters whole parking lot was completly full and we had to use the parking lot behind the mjr the one in the far back....where no one hardly ever uses...so we get there and we say we want just friends and then there like that movie only has 34 seats left and there in the way front and then were like forget it lol and went to taco bell and got something to eat. then we went to block buster and i seen my mom in the parking lot but she was half asleep which is kinds afunny cuz I look and I'm like wait that looks my mom...and so i went up to the car and banged on the glass she jumped it was great we cracked up...lol..then we went in blockbuster to see if they had the perfect man and they said they didn't carry it ....so were like ok...and we literally walk around blockbuster for about twenty minutes before we get raise your voice and the guy at the counter goes " I'm assuming you like Hilary Duff movies." lol haha and then we noticed that these reallly hoottttt guys kept looking at us lol and then we went back to her car and we noticed those guys parked infront of us and sasha goes" we must of seen them at pizza hut cuz there hott and ready." i was like " Umm, Sasha, that's little ceasers!" it was sooooo funny lol and then we were on our way back to my house and some guy just randmoly decides to pull out in front of us almost making us smash into him....grrr it scared us like really bad....We were like omgosh....haha then we came back to my house and watched raise your voice well tried to cuz something came up and all this "Drama," started...grr lol talk about a crazy night...but it isn't over lol i remember getting up and going sahsa the pole the pole do you hear that? lol and I was asleep but i wasn't asleep cuz I remember doing it...lol and I did it like twice...i was having a dream that the pole in my basement if you ever seen my basement the one by the washer kept getting smaller....and i was like omgosh the pole and sasha kept laughing at me and I heard her laughing and I was awake but I was having a dream about a pole lol

Well...that was it...so yeup that was fun and next Saturday is Cosmic Bowling and I'm staying the night at Sasha's house! yay

so today I was in the middle of blowdrying my hair...and my sister goes "Amanda, your work is on the phone." and I was like"ok." and I said "Hi." and then one of my managers goes "Hi this is Jean, You dont' have to come into work today." I was like"okkayyy." Grrr...they've been cutting everyones hours because it hasn't been busy so now I'm going to have to go and find an second job...ugh....not good for me..but hey more money I guess. I'm completly broke right now with paying tithe, Christmas shopping, and schoolo just completly whiped out my bank account! I had like $500.00 in there and now I barely have anything! Grrrrarrrr.... But anyway I think Sasha and I are going to the movies to see Just Friends if I can get some money lol....and then who knows what...I hope I can get a hold of her to tell her that I don't have to work because she was supposed to come over around 7....Hmmm I think I have her phone number.....lol yeup I do...yay! and then I'm supposed to be going to her house next Saturday...that should be fun and Friday me and a bunch of people are going Cosmic Bowling with Seth and Sasha...that should be fun...!!! yay! That's all for now

Well today was the Christmas Party for the ansamble or however you spell it...and it was ok....I slept for the most part of it I was upstairs with my grandmother, papa ray, Manny, and my uncle watching tv...lol and I fell asleep on the floor next to the dog....awww.....and yay i might hang out with sasha....next saturday and stay at her house!! but i think cosmic bowling is on friday so if she wants I can stay the night on Saturday after work! ????? is that ok lol if you read this haha but yeah i'm not sure though lol but yeah goodnight!!!


mandy poo

yay! no work today! but I have my final test in American Government I have to work on and I've been putting it off...I still have to clean my room, do the dishes, take a shower cuz I'm still in my pjs...and I died my hair...Erika and I practced for Christmas...ummmm I need to learn like a bajalion songs before this Sunday...grrr....I have a few reports I have to do for English class...that class is soOoOoO easy Erika could pass it! lol haha but ummmm other then that


I have nothing to do lol hahaa yay for snow! I love snow! I died my hair today it's dark blonde! kinda lol i'm not sure how it's going to turn out but yeah I wanted to go red but I was scared and chose blonde lol hahaha


So yay for cosmic bowling on the 17th and yay for hanging out with people that I haven't seen in forever!


hmm so far it's me tanya ashley webb erika seth and sasha...i think that's whose all going robert said he didn't want to go for some reason that I can't say....lol jk

No i'm not...lol but other then that



that's it!!!

Grrr. It seems like now everything is falling into place for me right now...I mean I'm in school finishing my first sememster in college and I'm passing both classes....and I have a job and finally got my liscense and then there have been some other things on my mind for these past few weeks and I haven't had any way to get them out.... My music is coming along great...I don't care if people don't think i'm good or if they don't want me to play cuz ya know what I don't care I know I'm good better then good and if they don't like me playing then I don't need to be playing for them cuz I have bigger and better things coming for me very soon! I'm so excited about it to...I can't wait!

I mean...why do I care so much about what people think? I guess I try to hard to fit in when I never will be "with the in crowd." I never was...I was just always there....I have friends and half the friends I have I can't trust or they say they want to be my friend and then don't talk to me for months at a time and the only time anyone ever wants to be my friend is when they want something from me cuz they know I have it....I mean how come I don't have any true friends? why is it all oh just use amanda cuz she'll give in? That's how I've been feeling alot lately....

I mean..theres alot more I could say....but I'm not going to I just need to get all my feelings out cuz I've been holding them up inside...I mean sometimes I just want to get away from work, school, and just life in general....

One thing is I know i'm shy and ya know I don't care anymore....I mean i'm not going to sit here and care what the person next to me thinks cuz ya know what? your not important anyway.....as an example of course...I mean half the people I do know...I barely talk to because I have nothing in common with them and they have their little cliques that I just don't get along with...everything has changed since i'm older now it seems like no one wants me around....I'm not trying to say any of this in a bad way....but that's how I feel....amandas an adult now why do we want an adult around us all the time then we can never have any fun...that's how it is now...I'm older and I just don't fit in with some of the people that I used to my life is completly different now.... like i said I'm in college almost done with my first semester...i barley have time for friends cuz of work....and church and then the rest of my time I practice the piano.....and now that I got my liscense i can finally do more things....but that's not going to happy cuz half the people that I actually do get along with are like 24 years old and there all from my work...yeah I have friends there but there not Godly influences on me.... I just want to give up sometimes.....but I guess..... that's what I have to say

so I completly forgot about this livejournal thing up until now...I've been so busy.....but anyway I just found out I have about a B average in my English class...ugh...I thought I at least had an A in that easy class....The teacher hardly ever shows up anymore so my friends and I just leave...it's kinda funny cuz were all just like yes we can leave early. Hahaha it's great...so all I do between break is sit in the cafeteria with my friend for like 40 minutes until my next class...next semester I'm taking three classes cis computer something lol I'm happy i'm finally taking compute courses cuz I love computers like alot...and I want to start taking some music programs That would rock. Anyways, I don't even think any body even reads these things anways...and I just realized all the new stuff they have on here and I was like wow lets me know how long I've used this thing well gotta go I wish my life was more interesting then it is and I need to loose weight like 20 pounds so I think i'm going to start a diet again cuz I did one and lost 5 pounds then stoppped and gained it back lol haha i'm a loser but whatever